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save the date. or don’t. you can throw away most of these dates.

May 15, 2014

dating.  ugh.  it could become an all-consuming time/soul/happiness suck.  but i refuse.  so i’m doin what i do and sprinkling in a few potential suitors along the way.  here are the dates i’ve been on while you’ve all been doing whatever it is you do.  you people.

the waste of a new dress

you buy a new dress/shoes/lipstick/vacuum cleaner to put a little pep in your step and get you all excited for an upcoming date.  it’s the equivalent of a pep talk, in material form.  you put your whole self into this one because a girl can’t be single forever right?  and then you sit down and over two glasses of malbec realize that the guy you thought was charming online is ok, but not dress-worthy.  you knew better, you think, than to get your hopes up.  and yet.  waiter, another round!  and do you like my new dress?

the fairy tale.  poof!

he’s exactly what you thought he’d always be.  tall, with great hair, wearing a suit and smiling and laughing together with you.  you say au revoir at the orange line and he rides off into the setting sun.  he texts 6.3 minutes later to say he had a great time.  and then he is sold into the circus where he begins a career as a tightrope walker.  actually, i totally don’t know if that’s true because i never heard from him ever again.

the date that’s not a date at all

maybe this should be called the fairy tale?  because it’s actually your bestie’s birthday dinner and you’re on an imaginary date with her husband’s best friend, who happens to be dating someone else.  scratch that…this isn’t a fairy tale, it’s a lifetime movie waiting to happen.  hey, a girl can dream.  and my bestie’s husband’s friend is dreamy.

the katy perry

you so rocked out to katy perry’s hot n cold circa summer 2009 (has it really been that long?!?) but now you’ve met the titular subject incarnate.  you think he’s going to propose on date #2 and he’s already voiced his feelings about you and your dog and your dish detergent.  <<flip>>  instead of proposing, he’s telling you that he can’t hang out tonight because he has to wash his hair.  instead of gushing about your witty charm, he’s dodging text messages.  readers beware:  these guys could drive you batty.  it’s best to walk away.  and erase his number.  guaranteed he’ll resurface.

the distraction

maybe he’s got a nice apartment.  or personality.  or wardrobe.  you like something about him, but there’s something that’s just…not quite right.  so you keep dating him, cautiously.  you know when yogurt is 2 days past expiration and you eat it with a sense of trepidation anyway?  that’s this guy.  a ticking, expired, not quite right, yogurt time bomb.  he’s probably got a secret love child or a wife or a deep-seeded hatred of cute furry animals.

so i’m dating like crazy and daydreaming about relationships with very eligible but off-the-market men and totally caught up on episodes of orphan black.  i’m saving time for the relationships that matter – with friends and family – and i’m eating way too many scoops of peanut butter and throwing impromptu morning commute dance parties.  because that’s what i do and that’s who i am.  i just realllllllly happen to think that the date that’s not a date at all would be really good at doing all those things with me.  if you see him, put in a good word for me?

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